Elon Musk and the ultimate geek midlife crisis

Not that any of us were wondering, but Elon Musk hasn’t had sex in ages.

Regrettably, that’s a headline most of us woke up to. Heatwaves, wildfires, shark attacks, COVID surges, inflation, war — now this.

Haven’t we suffered enough?

Apparently not. Welcome to the kind of mid-life crisis specific to tech billionaires obsessed with colonizing space, owning the moon and Mars, dimming the sun, and generally controlling the universe. Don’t buy a sports car — start a car company. Don’t use Viagra — shoot rockets into space. Or, you know, into one of your investor’s wives.

These are geeks. Freaks. The crème de la crème of the socially awkward. See: Nerds, revenge of.

Elon Musk is their leader. All the money in the world, not the hairplugs or the chin implants or perfect new veneers, can’t make Musk or his compatriots what they long to be — cool.

Look at the pictures we’ve just seen of Musk partying with Google co-founder Sergey Brin, whose wife Musk reportedly slept with (a charge Musk denies). Don’t these guys look like fun? They go from red carpets to TED talks to wine-in-plastic-cups parties with ease, just some regular guys who know how to party. Totally second nature.

Sure, Musk may or may not have taken a knee to apologize to Brin for schtupping Brin’s wife. It was an affair that may or may not have occurred at Art Basel (see? Cool). It’s not like Musk even needs that kind of drama, given that he’s busy impregnating an ex-girlfriend and an executive at one of his companies around the same time, and may or may not be the father of Amber Heard’s baby.

Sergey Brin and Nicole Shanahan attend the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures.
Sergey Brin and Nicole Shanahan are seeking a divorce, reportedly because of Shanahan’s affair with Musk.
Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Academy Museum of Motion Pictures

He’s a regular Gen X Jack Nicholson.

Yep, these are just some cool dudes hanging around casually, doing cool things with some cool people. Like palling around with sex-trafficking pedophiles (as Bill Gates had) or allowing totalitarian states and groups to spread misinformation while also knowingly making teenage girls feel terrible about themselves (Zuckerberg) or reaping billions of dollars off the backs of wage slaves who can’t take a pee break without permission or a ticking time clock (Bezos).

Who wouldn’t want to hang or bang?

Elon Musk, on left, and Sergey Brin.
Musk allegedly got on his hands and knees to beg Brin for forgiveness.

And Musk, of course, is the self-styled ladies’ man of this cohort. Not for him the blow-up midlife crisis girlfriend or the steady hum of domesticity.

Nope, this baller lives for cameos in messy celebrity courtroom dramas, SEC investigations, spontaneous combustions and competing with Nick Cannon in a truly creepy race to impregnate as many women as possible.

And who can forget the epic saga of Azealia Banks, invited to Musk’s home by his then-girlfriend Grimes, accusing the couple of wanting “some weird threesome sex shit.” Posting in real time on Instagram, Banks called it “a real life” version of the horror film “Get Out,” then said, “I waited around all weekend while Grimes coddled her boyfriend for being too stupid to know not to go on Twitter while on acid.”

This was allegedly in relation to Musk’s tweet that he was ready to take Tesla private. Banks later told Business Insider that she “saw him in the kitchen tucking his tail in between his legs scrounging for investors” and that “he was stressed and red in the face.”

See? Just a cool dude, hanging as he does with some cool girls, not trying to impress anyone at all.

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